My attempts at meditation have been sketchy, but lately I have been trying to find fifteen minutes a day to sit in silent meditation. I breathe, focus, and make an effort to be present. As of today I have mediated six days in a row, which may be a record for me. I settle in my big blue chair, often with a cat at my feet, turn on the Calm app, find an intention to guide me, close my eyes, and listen as peaceful beach sounds fill the room.
Join me as I begin...
I close my eyes and ask myself, "What do I need to know?"
Breathe in. Breathe out. I trust the universe. I lift my heart.
Wait...was that the mail truck? I didn’t bring it in yesterday. Damn. I’ll get it after I’m done here. My nose itches. Can I scratch my nose during mediation? Well, here goes. Ahhhh....that feels better.
Breathe in. Breathe out. Joy is everywhere. Shine my light.
Here comes the Finn. He’s plopped down next to my feet. I hear his breathing. Wait, now he’s moving to the other side of my legs. I need to remember to give him a dose of the eye ointment we got from the vet yesterday. Where is that other cat? Did I feed them today? Yes, I did. Cats’ entire lives are meditation.
Breath in. Breathe out. Life is good.
But is life good? Our world is so chaotic and frightening right now. I’m scared to death, but I know I need to focus on the good, the light, the joy, but....damn, it's hard. I need pie. Apple? Cherry? Maybe a banana cream. Cookies sound good. Or even potato chips. No! Not chips. Chips...bad.
Breathe in. Breathe out. Focus. Focus. Focus.
Did I get everything I need at the store? Shoot, I forgot tomatoes for the marinara sauce. Crap. I’ll have to go back later. I spent over one hundred dollars and forgot stuff. Stupid. Wait, don’t call yourself stupid. You’re smart, girl. Here you are...meditating and all. That’s smart, right?
Breathe in. Breathe out. Let it go.
I feel sleepy. Why does meditation sometimes make me want to take a nap? I love naps. Yesterday I took a two hour nap. Yup, and I needed it. Not today, though. I have too much to do today, and I slept late anyway.
Breathe in. Breathe out. I am filled with love.
But am I? Sometimes I just want to kick and scream at the injustice, at slow drivers, at all the stupid people. Wait. I’m meditating. I shouldn’t think negative thoughts. Love. Peace. Patience.
Breathe in. Breathe out. Believe in truth.
Are the fifteen minutes almost up? Wait, I am feeling a sense of calm wash over me. Nice. Maybe I’m getting the hang of this. I wonder where we should go for dinner tonight? Mexican? Should I get a margarita? No, I usually regret that choice the next day. Yup, I’ll stick with sangria. I sure do like these beach sounds. I miss the beach. Warm sand and a cold Corona sound good right now. Wait, I shouldn’t be thinking about alcohol. Focus on the breath.
Breathe in. Breathe out. I am safe. I am guided.
Times up. Wow. I did it. Does my brain feel bigger? Have I acquired more wisdom? Am I happier? Do I have a different perspective? Is my anxiety lowered? What about more compassion?
Who knows? Sitting in silence is pretty easy, even with my manic monkey brain. I think I’ll do it again tomorrow, but I’ll try to focus more and think less. Think less? Can I do that? Is that even possible? I might hurt my brain. I think I’m getting a headache. Do we have ibuprofen? I hope so.....
Breathe in. Breathe out.
“If it weren’t for my mind, my meditation would be excellent.” - Ani Pema Chodron