Who’s The Boss?

Last week I had a cold. Not just any cold, though. One of those nasty fall colds that knocked me on my ass for a week. I was in bed and basically incapacitated for at least two of those days. Tuesday I spent watching eight episodes of Gilmore Girls and was only Netflix shamed twice. Yes, Netflix, I’m still watching. No, Netflix, I’m not a complete loser. Yes, Netflix, I need Lorelei and Rory to help me through this case of aches and snots. Yes, Netflix, I know Rory needs to go back to Yale. No, Netflix, I know Logan is a jerk. Yes, Netflix, I’m kind of a Jess girl myself. Yes, Netflix, I’m still watching….get off my back, Netflix. Anyway…

I have decided that a bad cold is a direct message from Mother Nature. Not the kind and benevolent Mother Nature dressed all in white with a halo of flowers in her hair. Oh no, this Mother Nature is more in line with Bellatrix Lestrange of Harry Potter fame. She swoops in dressed all in black with her crazy hair and a slightly mad look on her face. She shoots her formidable stare at you and cackles, “Oh, you silly human. You think you can pass me by with your yoga and your vitamins and your smoothies. Smoothies. Bah! I’m more powerful than any connection you can dream up in that weak head of yours. Ha! Just watch me. I will slap you with such a mess of phlegm and hacking that you won’t even know what day it is. Who is the more powerful witch now, you useless muggle? Yes, that’s me!” (Cue evil laugh.) Then with just a flick of her wand, you are on the couch, high on a mad brew of Sudafed and NyQuil, watching another episode of Say Yes to the Dress, and muttering, “Oh Gina, don’t let your mother boss your around like that. If you like that dress, tell her. Yes, your boobs are falling out and the train looks like old cotton candy from last year’s county fair, but if it makes you feel beautiful, be strong, girlfriend.” Life passes you by, but you don’t care. All you want is a fresh box of Kleenex, a big glass of water, and unlimited internet streaming.

What a cold teaches us is that we humans don’t really have any real control over our lives. Oh, we can try with our feeble attempts at kale and down dogs, but that crazy Mother Nature, now she’s the true boss. This week I am on the mend, but I keep having this one sided conversation with her that sounds something like, “Yes, m’am. I know you are all powerful. No, m’am, I know I’m weak. Yes, m’am, I’ll remember that the next time I down vitamin C thinking I can stave off a cold. No, m’am, you are the queen, not me. Yes, m’am, I love what you are doing with that black eye shadow. It does bring out your eyes. Yes, m’am, until next time.”